suicides long overdue

morning readers.

my, my, my. bet that heading caught your attention didnt it? like i mentioned before me chums, ill be posting about my thoughts on suicide and general self-inflicted harm. excuse me if i seem a bit blunt, i had one very sleepless night and im going to be extremely forward with my experiences.

alright, first time i wanted to kill myself was in secondary school. sec 3 or 4 i believe. well what happened was that my parents were acting up on me again and i didnt really have any one to confide in about it. i didnt have any close friends that i could talk to about my family matters, so basically everything was cooped up so badly. it got to the point where i was writing my suicide notes and trying to get both legs over the balcony. scarily enough, one evening i was actually perched on my railing, looking down. all i had to do was let go and i would plummet 14 levels down to a squishy demise. but i got over it in the end. i figured that killing myself WOULD achieve the aim of hurting the people who hurt me... but i would end up making others cry. my grandparents most of all. i couldnt bring myself to imagine causing them so much pain so i got off the ledge and went on about my life.

the next would be when i was retained. i felt like total crap, what with all my friends moving on. but that wasnt really THAT bad. i actually had a fuck lot of fun during that period, so any lingering thoughts of taking my own life were soon dispelled.

oh, i feel that the best way (if indeed there exists such a definition) to commit suicide is to buy charcoal, borrow a car, drive it to a secluded spot, burn it in the back and turn the air con full blast. if you fall asleep, youll never wake up and its painless. better than hanging or jumping off a building anyway...

moving on to self-mutilation.

pain is refreshing. it stings and reminds you that your alive. no matter how numb your feeling and how sad you are, a shot of hurt will wake you up real skorry like. especially when done to yourself, wow, you get jolted.

not that i suggest doing it. im merely stating what ive tried before. : ) hurting yourself is unadvisable because you often leave physical and mental scars. i wont say that its enjoyable or that its sweet. im not that much of a sick fuck. ok why not i give you readers a time when i did something.

last year during june holidays, i was in a deep hole. i had been smoking for some time and i wasnt feeling very good about myself. add that to how i was struggling with a relationship where the girl was overseas for a long time (hey AA), i was clearly messed fucking up.

so one day while i was smoking in my room... i burned myself. i was leaning over the railing to watch the world go by and puffing away. i was so numb that i felt nothing could shock me outta that stupor. so i looked at my left wrist and the cigarette in my right hand. and i thought hey what the hell.

i burned myself, and it HURT. i still got the scars. 3 of em in fact.

but yeah, the pain was THERE. unlike so many other things, it was REAL, TANGIBLE. it was RIGHT THERE and i could feel it and i loved it and hated it at the same time.

i loved the pain and how it shot up my arm and how it let me know i was alive and that i was a person and breathing and feeling still. i hated it because it hurt and i knew that this was wrong and evil and detestable.

so i stopped. but not after doing it a couple more times, just for the rush. so yeah, in that regard, i WAS a disturbed little fuck with no fucking clue.

in the end though i dont really care. i got over it and moved on with my life. of course now im dealing with stuff way way more fucked up. but i wont do shit to myself again. not worth it. nothing is.

to end... haha interesting choice of words my lovelies, no?

to end, i leave you all with a a pearl of wisdom. when your hurt, lost and just numb to everything... do something about it. the lethargy that accompanies these feelings should be shaken off. for me, regrettably, it took a burning cigarette and three holes in my wrists. but for you, my dear readers... who knows till you try?

p.s. i apologise for the gratuitous usage of profanity on this post. a sleep-deprived night will do things to you. WHAT? whats that? oh FUCK you.

Red Hot Chilli Peppers' Can't Stop

The world I love
The tears I drop
To be part of
The wave can't stop
Ever wonder if it's all for you
The world I love
The trains I hop
To be part of
The wave can't stop
Come and tell me when it's time to

Wait a minute I'm passing out
Win or lose, just like you
Far more shockin
Than anything I ever knew
How 'bout you
10 more reasons
Why I need somebody new,
Just like you
Far more shocking than anything
I ever knew
Right on cue