......
ok i was kidding about the last one hahaha as if a river valley retard can actually make good coffee! pffft.
anyway, all that aside, the subject of todays post will be a short story ill write! i think im doing it because i havnt composed a good narrative piece in a really long time, and i can feel my powers of imagination waning. of course, its still extremely vivid, what with all those fantasy books i read and poems i enjoy. however, nothing beats really EXCERCISING the right brain to stimulate one's creativity and flair for weaving a web of intricacies. thus, through actually CREATING a neat work of art, i think i keep my sense of feeling and style sharpened to pinpoint accuracy!
so sit back and enjoy me lovelies!
The Devil and Prozac
(oops better get to work. nancys not here, but id still shouldnt slack off... ill pick this back up on another page. AHA!!! FINISHED MY WORK FOR TODAY!!! COMPLETED SO EARLY BECAUSE NANCY TOOK MC!!! wahahha its only 10:30... think ill go for lunch and not come back. muahahaha)
Satan grunted as he closed the door behind him, slouching his way slowly into the living room. work was excruciating and it had taken its toll on the Devil: his normally impressively curled horns now drooped to his shoulders, the fiery eyes that could scorch a mortal's soul had faded to embers and his tail was dragged dejectedly behind him.
Satan grunted as he closed the door behind him, slouching his way slowly into the living room. work was excruciating and it had taken its toll on the Devil: his normally impressively curled horns now drooped to his shoulders, the fiery eyes that could scorch a mortal's soul had faded to embers and his tail was dragged dejectedly behind him.
sighing, he collapsed into his favourite sofa, the spines protruding from his back sinking into the crevices that had been torn time and time again into the priceless IKEA furniture. he lifted a mandible to his face, rubbing his forehead and eyes in a futile attempt to rid himself of the memories and stress of the day's toil.
then, using his toe to hit the television's remote controller lying on the coffee table, he flipped the channel from a serial i was watching(fiends, the one where rachel gets her eyeballs eaten out by imps while ross decides to bang joey or chandler) to the gay leno show. guffawing like a buffalo, he burps while scratching his crotch, only to follow this by lifting his left arse cheek and letting one fly.
i stare at him in utter revulsion. this was the demigod i married? what was i THINKING at the time. i mean sure, he IS the lord of deceit and all that jazz and i HAD just eaten my last sacrificial husband but this was just too much... before i could thoroughly ponder my folly, Satan glanced at me and said in a deep gravelly voice," whats for dinner?"
"im sorry, what?", i replied
"i said, whats for dinner?"
"no, i HEARD what you said you tub of lard. wheres the hello? wheres the honey how was your day? wheres the kiss on the cheek? is "whats for dinner?" all i get after i spend the whole of today cleaning, cooking and making sure that you come home to a nice, well kept house?"
groaning, Satan moaned "oh no not this shit again...."
"YOUR DAMN RIGHT ITS THIS SHIT AGAIN YOU INGRATE. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO KEEP EVERYTHING LOOKING GOOD IN THIS HELLHOLE??? have you TRIED watering our scorched dead plants??? have you TRIED bathing the cerberus when each of his three heads try to gnaw at his genitals all at the same time??? have you TRIED not burning your cooking when ITS SCORCHING HOT DOWN HERE???"
"well, to be completely frank, Lilith, your meals always HAVE been a bit on the charred side..."
an unsettling pause hangs in the air as i slowly digest what my soon to be ex-husband just said.
"oh. oh. thats it. i cant spend another day in this place. that is it. this is too much. im leaving you."
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Satan languished on his doorstep as he watched Lilith depart in a cloud of fury and fire. oh man, he thought, now ive gone and done it...
being married to the deity of demons was trying and all that, but he did love her. she was sensitive, caring, and a real shiva in bed. now shes gone. he shook his crimson head.... what was he going to do now?
crap. and tonight he had that poker game with the other Lords of Purgatory.
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Mephisto, Diablo, Baal and Ted sat around a small circular table, impatiently waiting for Satan to show. they had been staring blankly at their poker chips for the past half an hour, each listening intently for the Lord of Hell to come stalking up Ted's garden. they WOULD have begun without him, but by doing so they risked his wrath and accompanying terrifying punishment for insubordination. the last time, they spent two hours trying to pull Ted out of the maw of a wyrm just because he accidentally let on that he knew Satan had a pair of threes. nasty stuff that- Ted's poor wife had to spent a whole week piecing together her husband's unfortunate leavings.
Finally, they heard the much awaited ground-shaking stomps which could only signify Satan's coming marching up to Ted's front door. opening the door, Satan ducked into the house, and after quick mutterings of "sorry sorry" and the customary replies of "its alright just sit down lets begin", the poker game started.
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three hours later, Satan was back in his living room. except now, not only was he tired and recently divorced, but thanks to the other Lords his wallet was substantially lighter than it was in the morning.
"man," Satan groaned, not for the first time that day,"a full house. who the HELL wouldve known Ted had a fullhouse. cant believe my luck."
not even in the mood for television(viva la damned on HMTV too), Satan trudged upstairs to his bathroom. letting the hot magma flow over his skin, he tried to remember if he had any cigars left. he needed one really really badly. finishing the bath, the Lord of Hell dried himself off and put on a fresh pair of boxers, after which he went back downstairs to his study.
checking his cigar drawer, he realised to his dismay that he finished his last cuban two nights before. not panicking, Satan stepped over to the liquor cabinet... drink is as good as smoke any day. however, upon opening the cabinet, he made a most horrible discovery...
"that bitch drank ALL MY ALCHOHOL???? WHAT THE HELL?!??!"
roaring, the maddened devil began ripping up his household. pushed to the edge, Satan began throwing chairs around, upending tables, ripping pictures off the wall and shredding anything not nailed down. in a matter of minutes he was done with the bottom level, thus he stormed upstairs to find other things he could destroy.
decimating the bedroom with ease, he re entered the bathroom with much ill intent. smashing the sink, carving up the shower curtains and totalling the toilet, Satan felt that he had destroyed as much as he possibly could.
but then he noticed a tube of pills sticking out of the pants he wore to Ted's house.
"whats this," he said, picking up the pills. "hmmmm. Prozac. mustve fallen into my pocket while i was flinging Ted around the kitchen after that horrible hand. figures... middle aged white man carrying happy pills with him."
the Devil paused. wait a minute, he thought, why not? not like ive got anything to lose...
popping the cap, he gulped down a dozen of the tiny, blue-white pills.
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HAHAHAHAHHAHAA
ok its almost lunch time, and i cant wait to get outta here. meeting ian at my house at 330, from there wer going to yannis place early to help out because according to ian shes got some trouble with the bbq. meh, as if id rather be sitting here doing nothing anyway.
: ) hope you liked this short story me duckies!!! ill see if i can write better ones in the future.
anyway, toodles!
Green Day's Basket Case
Do you have the time to listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once
I am one of those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone
No doubt about it
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid?
or am I just stoned
