is this normal?

for some time my posting has been all fine and smiles. life really has been going well for me. im getting closer to an awesome group of friends, my job is wonderful and theres nothing else i could ask for. i guess im content with everything. yup, my writings have definitely taken a turn for the happier.

not this one though.

im sitting here in this cubicle, writing up a report for ******(i cant say, legal reasons) and i just finished crying my guts out in the bathroom. what am i talking about, im STILL crying. fuck lah.

its funny how just when you think everythings going swell, all the sad stuff just gets dragged back up in a matter of hours. it takes really little to get you choked up again, leaning against the bathroom stall using low grade tissue paper to dry your tears and trying your best to get a hold of yourself.

like i said in a post a while back, memories are one of the hardest things to let go of. all it takes is a simple stimulus for emotions to come rushing back and the heart to falter in its footsteps.

this morning, i had a whole bunch of said stimuli just rising from nowhere and smacking me in the face. for some reason all outta the blue, when i was bathing at 8 am i imagined a familiar crying face, disappointed in me and shaking with sadness. eyes shining and downturned mouth tore at my heart, and to think that i caused all that pain just made it worse, so much more fucking worse...

then on the train to work my ipod played and oh so familiar song, one that meant and symbolised everything ive gone through for the past year. and for some reason i couldnt change it. i just let it play and play and play and play even though i knew it meant having times good and bad wash over me in a deluge of depression.

so here i am. blogging and not doing work. i dont think i can talk to nancy looking like this.... my eyes are red and horrible, its clear ive been crying. i guess i have no choice but to wait and see how long i need to calm down and just stabilise myself again, then jump back into my job.

im sure that in an hour or maybe two ill be completely ok again. this is just a relapse, comparable to how someone whos sick can become ill again if not properly taken care of. the last time this happened to me was what a month ago? thats pretty long isnt it.

so yeah, i guess my wounds are healing pretty well, and further down the road theyll just be faint scars, no longer raw and painful. till then, ill just try my best to continue being the same guy ive always been.

thanks for reading, i need to go pray now. goodbye

Something Corporate's Konstantine

This is to a girl
Who got into my head
With all the pretty things she did
Hey, you know
You keep me up in bed

This is to a girl
Who got into my head
With all these fucked up things I did
Hey, maybe, baby
You could keep me up in bed

My Konstantine
You spin around me like a dream
We played out on this movie screen
And I said
Did you know I missed you?
Did you know I missed you?
Did you know I missed you?
Did you know I missed you?
Did you know I miss you?
Did you know I miss you?
Did you know I miss you?
I miss you