i wish i could cut out the world

lifes not making much sense now.

so i got home this afternoon and am sorta trying to unwind after mounting. i think plenty of alone time can really dramatically reduce the amount of stress and tension one gunks up after not being able to go home for prolonged periods of time. the weight of so many things cluttering up my mind is kinda getting unbearable, to the point where i feel like switching off and flipping off whoever comes my way.

so im writing because ive reached a point in my life where i have the patience and support needed to look back on the past few years and examine myself. more importantly, the relationships ive built and let torn down.

see, i can never accept having a bump in a friendship, then glossing over it and moving on as if nothing ever happened and wer still friends. i hate it when people do that because you never know when it could flare up again at the wrong time and place, a more complicated version of things coming back to haunt you.

i phoned a couple of friends this week, kiat and reuben who i think i needed to talk to in order to clear up these mishaps in our times together. its only right people do that once in a while, cause the emotional baggage we lug around is hefty enough without the things we can actually do something about adding to it.

but it seems everytime i build or repair a bridge, another one gets burned to cinders. it gets so frustrating and nerve wracking i really lose unimaginable amounts of sleep over it. what do i gotta do??!?! life isnt like some friggin computer game where one click can solve everything. its not as if im a damn avatar in SIMS 3 with a social bar that can get filled up just by talking to people. fuck...

so these are the people who i am currently unhappy with, or feel mistreated by. for the sake of their privacy and my own need to remember why and how they fell away from me, ill just abbreviate.

mln

mm

jsh

and it just so happened that like two months ago i could really talk to and connect with each and everyone of them.

fuck it lah, this is ridiculous.

and for the record.

"because i cant imagine saying i love you to her"

The Killers' Spaceman

And you know I might
Just float too far from the floor this time
Cause they’re calling me by my name
And they're zipping white light beams
disregarding phones and satellites
Oh that was the turning point,
That was one lonely night
The storm maker says it ain’t so bad
The dream maker’s gonna make you mad
The spaceman says, "Everybody look down
It’s all in your mind"